Just need to speak

I've been doing to much thinking lately. Way to much thinking. An its making me depressed. How at 22 yrs of age you can be tired of life? I don't mean physically. I mean mentally and emotionally. I feel like I've been run threw the ringer more then once. I have people from all directions saying I'm stupid and worthless. I lose my wallet sometimes and all I hear is how stupid can you be? I start projects and can't finish them because I don't have the money. Then I'm thought of as worthless. I'm a poor kid just trying to get the fuck by. What am I supposed to do. I used to like to make things and use my mind to create things out of useless stuff. But now I don't know. Ever since my father died I've just had the floor pulled out from under me I feel like I'm falling and theres no way to stop. No hand holds, No place to put my feet. Just nothing. I try to smile threw the pain and I do a good job of it. But....... Just because you can't see it doesn't mean its not their. I just don't know anymore. I start Wyotech in the fall. I hope I can go. But most likely something else will be throw in my way and I'll be just short of the hurdle like I have been. I am hopefull as always but I am starting to dowt my own resolve. A granite fist is squizing my heart and not letting go. I have always believe its not the pounding you take in life that makes you who you are but the way you stand up from the beating and move forward. An thats all I've ever done is try.................. To........................ Move.................. Forward................ but it just gets harder and harder to do that. Then I fell in love with a woman and she promply ripped my heart out and stomped on it several time. Many times actually. First sleeping with my own brother then dismissing me completely. Even when I care so fucking much. I was with her threw her worst and her best but I get the fuckig shaft. In my life I am starting to feel like I don't deserve love. Maybe I don't deserve anything. Maybe I care to much. I care about my Family, I care about my Friends, I care about everything in my life. Sometimes I feel much older then I am. Maybe 50 or more then the mere 22 that I am. I've lived threw suicide attempt. I've lived past a fathers death. I've lived threw several depressions. I've lived threw protecting my brother and sister from the pain. I've lived threw Girlfriends and Friends. I've lived threw pain in my heart so bad I wish to carve it out. An this is only with in the last 22 yrs. I hate to see what the next 22 will be like........................... "laydownandcry". When you look back what am I to do?